drink the ocean

the one thing i know
how to build with my hands
i learned in eighth grade industrial arts

if you give me raw wood
a table saw with a router
a miter saw
a bit of wood glue
a plane sander
clear varnish
i will build for you
a beautiful little beveled edge box
with brass hinges
and a hasp lock

but this day
i intend to construct one
for myself
designed for securely containing
three things

this poem
the straw that broke the camel’s back
and my suicide

you see
my soul died this morning
i gave up

but i am a mother with autistic
18 year old twin sons
who loves them enough
to allow her heart to continue to beat

i love them enough to remain alive
i know to do this
because my father didn’t

i love them enough to keep blood
in these arms that hold them
when they are screaming and crying
and blaming me for giving them autism
by virtue of my having been the one
who gave birth

telling them
son
if we can
just survive the hormonal high school years
everything will be alright

one of them hides his asperger’s from everyone
at school in a futile attempt to fit in
but he’s only hiding the words
the label of autism
his actions let people know he’s not typical
so when he stares too long
or has a face void of expression
they just think he’s a creepy jerk
so he keeps getting in trouble
because he won’t say
“i have asperger’s don’t take it the wrong way,
i don’t mean any harm”
because he says
“i would rather be called
an asshole
than a retard”

the other one
is resistant to everything
but eating and sleeping
rules are what you break
when mom isn’t looking
he thinks
so long as he says the right words
to her face
no matter if it breaks her heart
because there is no synapse that fires
between his behavior
and the consequences thereof

this morning i realized
i am attempting to drink the ocean
pissing into the wind
nothing i do
will ever be enough

but i do not have the option of giving up
i have to keep banging my head into these walls
until i am bloody
as this is my lot

this little wooden box i shall build
emblematic
of my pledge to go on with my life
to continue to fight

these words contained within it
are my coping mechanism

because in my zombie heart
i know
it is better
than my entire body
being placed into
into a finely crafted
pine box