the day i solved my daddy’s murder

tony soprano wanna be

unfortunate victim of my deliberate farce

you decided to

whack my daddy

fooled my mama

then you tried to get her

to take the blame for my father’s death


on the front porch of my mother’s home

was recently informed by the man who volunteered

to raise me that you had plans to move into my memaw’s house and take over my grandaddy’s land

pardon me all kindly-like

but over my dead body

wasn’t miss ida’s pills enough of poison

you already tried to give me alcohol poisoning twice

here Fred, sign this insurance policy and kill yourself,

i promise to take care of Alicia forever


you took my father and started molesting me

long before you fucked my parents over

those nights you would sneak in when gina kept me

you would “rub my tee tees” to help me sleep


i told you on the back of that four wheeler at your 55th birthday party

when you lured me deep into

the same woods i explored in as a child

when you rammed your hand

into the pussy you had apparently coveted since my birth

that i would scream if you didn’t drive back to the mansion you built when you graduated from selling blow to construction

everybody is a gangster until it’s time to do some gangster shit

made my sister Gina a child bride

and raped Stacey at gun point in fort lauderdale florida

when you decided to stop selling weed to motorcycle gangs

and graduate to massive distribution of cocaine

who was that british chap again

the one who owned yachts in florida you moved the drugs in


you were so proud when you made your first million

but failed to mention to all the folks

you sold your salt water snake oil to

admit it you were trying to kill mom with it

that the first 50,000 was covered in my father’s blood

you pointed a gun at me in my mother’s home

you sold my father his death like it was a Kirby sweeper

the night before my 45th birthday

and that’s the night i saved my mother’s soul

i’m coming, john simpleton

the nephew of the most beloved cop

ever to fly a helicopter over pulaski county

has your number

i tricked you motherfucker

with a gun in my face

Venus Ramey is laughing at you from Heaven

everybody is a gangster until it’s time to do some gangster shit

well, who’s the gangster now

i am now the matriarch of our family

you want a crime family

how is this for you

if you or my sisters come near me or anyone i love

everyone will know john simpleton did this

the kentucky state police will probably want a word with you

if my sisters wish to see our mother

they will notify me first through my nieces

so i don’t have to look at my ugly hearted half-sisters

memaw is laughing too

i remember her saying to me

when in doubt blame john

memaw always was the best therapist

you terrorized our family for 45 years

never again

knock knock

who’s there

a civil suit for the wrongful death of fred james young

time to admit to all that insurance fraud too

because talking someone into suicide with fake insurance policies IS PREMEDITATED MURDER

and i learned in fancy mortuary college during a law class that libel ain’t libel if what you’re saying is true

lemme see, yeah,

the tiny amount of money you killed my daddy for

that blue corvette you bought at old don jacobs in Lexington

remember that

the one you drove around three counties like king shit of turd mountain

the one you bought with the blood of my father

it’s amazing what a little bit of crazy and a whole lotta love can accomplish

the book now done

the good guys won

you are death incarnate

it’s my face with Fred and Elmie’s eyes

you’ll see

when you show up nervous to the pearly gates

guess what

you ain’t getting in


I guess being the first person to register as an independent voter in Lincoln County is the least interesting thing you’ve done

this is what happens when the sopranos finale ends

with christopher snuffing out tony

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