Poof* Take MY water

as the days pile up
flash bulb memories
are what i remember
of the alcoholic father
the alcoholic first husband
the drunken loss of a decade with the blue eyes
it may be a disease but that makes you no less vile as a person
there’s no excuse for
trembling as my dad threw a giant television set out the front door into the yard
stairs turning upside down as the father of my sons headbutted me into submission
for wanting to leave his dysfunctions
threats of handguns and bodybags
that’s booze soaked rage
a blitzkrieg of anger
a pot boiled over
every tea kettle in the world simultaneously
spitting steam
screaming
fathers day
is a black hole
the shape of a man
filled with regret
alcoholism
and horrific choices
i live aboard a sinking ship
where the captain is drunk at the helm
praying for more icebergs
i am afraid
my family is going to die
paupers trapped behind
locked gates
in steerage
he showed up drunk
at 59 years old
.
to pick me up
from the hospital
with another gallon
of wild turkey tossed in the back seat
he had bought
along with
fetid red Marlboros
on the five mile way
.
at that moment
i was no longer certain
who had run out of excuses
him
or me
.
as
i have much more
to lose
than two units
of blood
there is a place where love dies
it is halfway through a liter of whiskey
when his furnace eyes burn
a dying madman’s gaze
i’m five again
and afraid of what daddy is going to do to mommy
like a fool i try to hide what’s left in the bottle
to keep his sickness from swallowing the house
crying out to god in the sink hole
haven’t my children suffered enough
but the gesture only serves to fuel the monster’s rage
backed into a corner
his hands wrap around my throat
spitty growl threatening
to smack me with
a hot iron
all i can think to myself is
you got what you wanted
you stupid bitch
such a fine job you’ve done replacing your father
never again will i accept this as love
i own the shitty choices i’ve made
but some insidious bastards
deserve to get cancer of the eyes
he will offer
that i am usually correct
in my assessments of sticky situations
addictions
motives
why the sun left the earth passed out at the bar
except when they apply to him
and the fact that he needs help
i’ve never heard
the bell
of a cherokee pony ring
though my ears know it exactly
the same way
my bones are certain
that i am drinking myself into the grave
so that i die before you
you’re the stronger of the two of us
you can live with everything wrong
and still enjoy the taste of beer
i’m not capable of one day
of feeling that alone in the world
there are nearly two decades i need to kill
but i’m full of shit
because we both know
heroin would be quicker
such grand gestures
of morning after guilt
you are capable of
buying every seat in the stadium
reserved for your bent knee apology
hindenburg full of flammable gas
floating overhead
scrolling about
how sorry
how sorry
how sorry
but it matters naught
indefensible drunk
i’m tired of sewing on lace
to what a dumb cunt you are
he set about to kill me
in my early 30’s
by teaching me
how to drink
Wild Turkey in the morning
while chanting the three rules of writing
write what you know
write like you have no mother
there are no other rules
while i preeshated it at the time
he always wanted me to be less me
how adorable
so
i’m adding a few rules
write like you have no god
write like you have nothing to lose
write like you have never been to the sea
i smile an older smile and shake my head
warm in the knowledge
most writers behave like shitty teenage girls
and we shouldn’t take ourselves
so fucking seriously