with the exception of the episiotomy
i was given during the birth of my twins
no one has ever taken a scalpel to me before
not one surgery
or major procedure ever needed to be performed
until today
.
when a small mass
was removed from the muscular calf
of my left leg
after being administered a local anesthetic
.
a minor thing
i should feel lucky
it isn’t more
.
possibly cancer
possibly nothing
possibly
my payback
for dumbassed teenage tanning bed gore
the pathologist is soon to issue a report
having been a mortician
i thought i was so fucking hardcore
able to stand the sight of anything
but as i undressed tonight
to find the bandage had come off beneath my pant leg
i was unprepared
for the cauterized sight of the hole
for nausea
the room suddenly spinning
cold sweat
and my body crashing to the floor
when i saw a piece of myself cut away
and death standing patiently in the bedroom door
i don’t fear dying
but i am horrified at the thought
of my leaving my sons alone
in this cruel world